2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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