my sisters under your porch take her home
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
