Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Randomize
