toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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