For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
