My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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