I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
