Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Randomize
