he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
