Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
