I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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