Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
