Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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