matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Randomize
