The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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