Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
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