just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Boobs are out for the taking
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
pray to the hookup gods
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
