My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Randomize
