Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
