there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
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