I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
