We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
