the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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