I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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