So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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