i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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