just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
sarcasm needs its own font
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize