that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
