I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
