end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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