When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
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