Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
