I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
