It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
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