I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
