I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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