the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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