Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
