last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jger and an empty bed here Friday.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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