I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Randomize
