I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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