I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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