There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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