I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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