I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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