so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
