If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
barbara walters just said penis...
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
