3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
