Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
