Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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