I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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