i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
