Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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