by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
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