I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
