It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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