i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
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